I will stop today

Hello everyone!

English is not my first language but I will try to express my feelings best I can. I hope this helps someone, I hope this helps me. I tell this to myself every time I pull out one hair “ok I will stop now, I have free will, it’s not like I have a gun to my head and someone is forcing me to do it, everything is up to me and that is a good thing right?” Right. Sometimes I wish someone is forcing me to do it because at times I feel like I can’t stop myself, but would easier stop someone else. When I look at my hands, fingers I try to relax them, I try to stop this mechanism that lasts for more than 10 years. But it is so stuck in my body that I don’t know what force can stop it. And I don’t blame my hands, i don’t blame my anxiety, I don’t blame my parents that they didn’t notice it, but still I can’t stop blaming me. And I can’t move on. I feel like I am stuck in one spot with this stupid thing called tricotibslahwbkshit that hasn’t moved. I hate it that I count my days with hair, that my days are made of I pulled 3 hairs or 5. And it became harder when I put effort, like I did for the past 3 years I am working really hard on trying to stop it. And it became more difficult to forgive myself when I accidentally pull my hair. My whole day goes to shit. And i don’t want to feel like it I want to enjoy my days, the sun, the people, the dogs and things that make me happy but I can’t because of one stupid almost bold spot on my head. I feel like someone would say there are people that are dying Kim, but no one who didn’t feel this will never know how much it kills you. I don’t know if I will ever stop honestly, what will replace this feeling I have by pulling my hair? Sex? Nah. Good food? Nah. I don’t know. My big regret is not having the hair I was supposed to have when born. I will never get over that and that thought is stopping me from my goal. Why stop when the damage is already done? Well I will try everyday, if people can stop somoking I think I can do this. I will stop today.