Beyond frustrated

Nothing EVER seems to help or make me fully stop. I have pulled my head hair, pubic hair, armpit hair, leg hair and so on since I was about 13-years-old (I am in my later twenties now). I pull during any emotion--not just sadness. Lately, things have been difficult. Even though my medications have been increased as a means of reducing my urges, and I've been seeing a therapist for years, absolutely nothing helps. Two years ago, my father killed himself, so that has played into my already existing anxiety and grief. But aside from that, even when things feel like they are getting better, I throw myself into a massive relapse. I cannot even cry about this anymore because I am so used to it. I have convinced myself that if I cry about it or feel sick to my stomach about it, I will FINALLY convince myself to stop. I have tried everything, and bargain with myself all the time. As I type this, new bald patches are forming. I am beyond frustrated and want to know from some of you: have you experienced this desperation? Do I have to accept myself like this and forget about healing physically and mentally? Thank you for listening <3