New... but not at all.

I don't know how you all feel. I haven't read anyone's posts here yet... I just know that I need to reach out and I've never fully explained this to anyone. I'm dying now. Not literally that I know of.. Just I don't know how much longer I can hang on now. Physically AND mentally. My depression has driven my body and mind into an unhealthy state.

I've recently looked at this forum very quickly and held off on joining, I really should have founded this group many years ago myself. Although I don't know how long it's been available for either.

I've been dealing with this since February 2002, I was 12 years old. Living in a new city over 1000 KM from the place I knew as my home a beautiful place where I felt peace in my life for the most part. I never had much for friends, but I had much bullying in this new city that I wasn't quite used to. Gangs attacking me, people calling me names. Making fun of my eyelashes... apparently, they were long like girls and I got made fun of a lot for that.

February 2002. One day the new stresses got to me. I sat in front of the bathroom mirror with a pair of fingernail clippers in hand. I wondered if I should cut my eyelashes shorter.. then maybe people would stop bullying me. So I did. I clipped them.. after that they felt really weird on my eyes and even more when I touched them.. I began to rip them out as the edges were splitting and when I did I could feel the skin underneath the lashes I finally stopped when the middle part of my eyelashes was bald. I had maybe 30% of eyelashes on both sides missing bald patches.. from that moment on it was hell on earth and years of torment and pain. I never lived a normal life after that, I immediately introverted and became anti-social. The bullying and the fighting only increased and NEVER ended. People picked on me and most definitely alienated me, the weird part is. Not many people came out and said, "What is wrong with your eyes?" Not as many as I would have expected at least. What was weirder was when I would get a compliment on my eyes. I would become very... confused... angry even, sad.. very sad. I was told to not wear sunglasses as my eyes were as beautiful as the ocean. This wasn't the first time I received a compliment on my eyes, but for me to even take a compliment anymore is just too hard to accept.

Now it's March 2017 over 15 years now and I have only gotten worse (slightly) You know the longer the damage persists the harder it is to come back from at least that is what common sense would tell me. As soon as I could start growing facial hair I would pull at my chin hairs mostly as a way to stop pulling my eyelashes and also to pull out those ugly random hairs you get when you just start growing as a teenager. Anyways the point is it never got better.

I've been through a few relationships, I have been through many jobs, I can't even live in the same place for more than 3 years in all of my life. Everything ends because of me.

At one point I tried my absolute hardest and almost grew them back to have gone through a trauma and then start to pull again more than ever. That was a few years ago now. I almost came back from this. It should be enough but it isn't. The doctors have prescribed me with so many pills it has to be in the +10 range by now and they have had some pretty sad side effects on me I believe. So now I refuse everything, I've tried everything so now I refuse it. I had magnetic shocks to the brain for 40 days or so even. All kinds of psychiatrists all sorts of everything, there became a point that I just didn't care which doctor was which and I don't even know who or what their profession was I just simply went to my appointments. Not like they cared about me either, for years calling me by a different name and even correcting them they still call me the other name that is not my name. How can anyone help me if they don't even care, better yet how do I help myself with only a fraction of care left? What is there to care for? Some family left, but they don't understand what it is like to grow up quite the same as me. Everything and everyone is different for one. Time eras, economy, environment. I have lived in the worst crime neighborhood in the country i've experienced death threats, knives, guns and friends being killed. Nothing bothers me quite like my trichotillomania nothing can enter my heart the same anymore, people who have loved me have hurt me and been hurt because I just can't be what they want me to be and it hurts me to not ever be enough. I don't have the same shining bright energy that they deserve. I'm a shadow. People have always treated me like a villain when I tried desperately to be the hero. Teachers, students, strangers even family doesn't quite understand me. They think I'm self-centered because I keep to myself and I have developed an angry attitude towards most people and things. Although I always greet people nicely and try to show respect and always offer help because I desperately seek it myself silently. Truth be told in the end I can only help myself. None of you can stand there behind me with a string on my hand to stop me from pulling. I wish it was that easy. Perhaps someone has some sort of advice, either that or I can just read other people's experiences at this point so I don't feel so alone. I've seen youtube videos of people with trichotillomania but I've never met someone who has it like myself.

Recently my 3 year relationship ended. She never once asked me about my eyelashes or pulling habits, none of my exes ever did. I very much pulled every single day we were together and for her not to notice seemed really strange to me. She really never understood my depression and even tried to debate that I wasn't really depressed. She never had any idea and I never ever could tell her.. I loved her but I just couldn't expose my darkness despite everything we had together. I couldn't reveal my demons. Really... 3 years of living together. 3 years of me looking her in the eyes.. although she was always on the move for her children and we never had much cuddle time or time to really talk and look at each other deeply. One big thing that continually pains me Is when I left the relationship I did leave her children too, I left her son who I raised from 2 months old to 3 years old. I have no rights to him, also no obligations. I would love to be there for him as I think about it every day and how I carried him for all of that time and watched him grow into a good little boy who needs a father like me to help with his own mental illness. I fight myself to stay out of his life because I don't want to fight with his mother or his new step-father in the future when in reality I truly have no right to him and she can legally withhold him at any time. It kills me inside and no one can really understand that I know of in my life so I keep it all to myself locked away with my trichotillomania and every dark thought I've ever had. I feel like it all has warped me since that moment in 2002 when I felt not good enough. I have suffered it all of my life and to this day and tomorrow and the next. How do I beat this?